Friday, July 1, 2011

Balance and a journey back to the beginning

Well hey there!  Funny seeing you all here again, thanks a million for dropping in!  So today on my run I tried to brainstorm ideas for today’s blog and I have a gazillion thoughts in my head…so I decided to take you back!  Close your eyes (ok well not really because you need to have your eyes open to read unless your like one of my first graders who can read books upside down or with their eyes closed (t-a-l-e-n-t) but I digress) metaphorically close your eyes and imagine me 26 pounds heavier and a lot unhappier.  See that girl?  That girl is my former jeffer self and even though on the outside she looks happy…she isn’t.  I was (notice the past tense) one of those people who gave 100% of myself to make everyone else around me happy; rarely did I ever take time for myself and when I did I was shoving a black and white cookie down my throat and then avoiding mirrors throughout my apartment.  This nagging feeling inside of me had started around September ( a voice that shouted (try to imagine it shouting) YO JEFFER GET YOUR ASS OFF THE COUCH AND DO SOMETHING)  I politely told that voice to shut the f@#$ up and continued to eat my black and white cookies (or insert any other snack food because I have eaten them all).  So flash forward to January: the BL is in it’s 11th season and I have sat there every Tuesday inspired to make the change already (yea it took 11 seasons of the BL to actually get inspired enough to do more than eat 11 black and white cookies!) and that damn voice is still ahollerin’ but this time I didn’t tell it to zip it…I listened which allowed me to take stock of my life a little bit more…

The Beth Clark stock:
2 beautiful sisters in happy healthy relationships
1 good job that I am pretty happy with
1 body that I loathe
2 parents that love me no matter what but didn’t tell me I was a jeffer (my two beautiful sisters didn’t either:  in their defense though it was hard to see clearly back then because no one knew I could be just this stunning!! ***kidding***)
1 Houdini of a dog who 94.4% of the time I love very much
0 self esteem/self worth/self confidence
1 gaggle of wonderful and accepting friends from work, college, camp etc.
0 ability to tell anyone no or stand up for myself
0 worthwhile relationship (which I thought was why I was unhappy)

In short I avoided mirrors, clingy clothes, and actually liking myself like HP has avoided the avada kedavra curse time and time again (read Harry Potter if you have no idea what I am referencing…seriously stop reading my blog and go read HP now!! Then come back and finish!)

Ok…So I hated myself and needed a change….BADLY. I printed the Bally’s class schedule and the WW meeting schedule in early January and it sat in my bag for 4 weeks.  A few more Tuesdays of BL and finally I plucked up the courage to walk my jeffer self through the door.  Now many people have applauded the effort and results thus far and YAAAAY! I am not about to belittle my journey in anyway but it was in no way easy peasy lemon squeezy.  I decided Mondays would be yoga, weigh in, WW meeting and wrote it on m schedule and told Grayson to make my jeffer self go every single Monday.  I was just as nervous going to the yoga class because of the gym class gaggle of groupies that force you to basically sacrifice your first born to fit in! (See Meany McGrouchy Bike in the post below)

Every single Monday (and one Tuesday because they were closed for Memorial day) I followed my routine.  Some weeks I went down, some I went up (grr) and some weeks I stayed the same (double grr).  I hit a HORRENDOUS plateau where I gained and stayed for like six weeks straight which had me twitching for the exit sign.  The one thing that made me stay: my support team (which is a blog all in itself and consists of everyone in general but two people specifically). 

**Sidebar the above mentioned horrendous plateau and initiation by surrendering first born into yoga will be future blogs as well!

During the other weekdays I went uber, over the moon, absolutely insane about working out.  I forced myself into the gym for 3 hours a night and then would beat myself senseless (just like Edward treats himself when he comes back in Eclipse (if you didn’t read them stop and read them, and then come back and finish).  At first I couldn’t get through a mile on a level 4 without wanting to lay down and die (knock knock who’s there? the grim reaper)  In short the initial starting to work out and lose weight was not pretty in many ways … 1. my jeffer self all sweaty and practically on deaths doorstep from running one damn mile,  2. my inability to see that I was throwing my life out of balance even more by being a exercise and food nazi.  Three weeks in I hated the gym, still hated my jeffer self, and hated my cursed running sneakers the most.  How did I fix it?  I went to target to by something trivial, and ended up buying a half gallon of ice cream that I easily plowed through in one sitting…(once again we go back to NOT SO PRETTY on so many levels).  I kept at it thanks in ALL parts to my support staff, my fellow weight loss losers on the BL, and one friend in particular A.H. who told me to relax a little and try to mix it up and bring the workouts outside.  I took her advice and started running outside (it was cold and there was a lot of snot) but I managed to give my jeffer self and my lover (the gym) some much needed space….BUT  I still didn’t have the balance and was still cardio and food torturing myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I was seeing some slow progress and eventually broke the plateau (damn you plateau if you can hear me ***shaking my fist at the sky***)….and as you can see it has taken a lot of hard arduous uphill battles for me to get here.  The difference between my jeffer self back then and my former jeffer self today is that I have found a balance that is allowing me to live this lifestyle instead of torturing 50 lbs off my body.  I am confident now that I will never gain back the weight (not saying I won’t have a half gallon of ice cream day again, or land myself on a stinking plateau) but my mentality of the whole process has become much healthier.  Now I look in the mirror and see the girl that I knew was in there all along starting to make her way out.  These past 6 months have taught me that all along I needed to stop being everyone else’s cheerleader and actually be my own for once!  My life is far from perfect as am I, but maybe it’s not about being perfect…maybe it’s about being happy and healthy in your own skin (BL Olivia made a comment similar that inspired me in the wee hours of this morning).   Many people tell me that I am inspirational and I can’t help but feel the furthest from that, but if you want to take something away from this/me it should be that no matter how much you’ve sabotaged yourself in the past or even now, you can make the change little by little.  I didn’t snap my fingers, and wiggle my butt and POOF 26 pounds gone; I battled the Voldemorts, Victorias, and all other ugly demons that I had created over the past 27 years to booby trap myself into being unhappy. 

Moral of the story: sometimes we are our own worst enemies (sometimes not) but if you work on finding a balance you will find yourself to be much more content and ready to battle the outside enemies.  Strong on the inside makes us strong on the outside…balance!

Please note:  black and white cookies took snack presidence tonight because when I was in the bodega getting a diet coke they were screaming at me from the counter “hey old friend remember me?” and mentally I politely told them to f*&$ off!!

Keep it real, stay true to yourself, and be happy!!

-B

1 comment:

  1. Hi there - I came across your website through myfitspiration. I just started my own weight loss journey and blog myself. I find it interesting to have stumbled upon yours. I'm looking forward to see how you progress through the coming weeks. Best wishes!

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